Today, 01:09 AM
I've developed a theory, and frankly, I think the scientific community is too fucking cowardly to investigate it.
Every guy named Josiah is either gay, questioning, or putting on the most elaborate heterosexual performance since John Travolta discovered Scientology.
Think about it.
First of all, what the FUCK kind of name is Josiah?
Nobody looks at a newborn baby and says, "You know what? This little bastard looks like a Josiah," unless they're planning on raising him in a household where dancing is forbidden and masturbation is considered a gateway drug to Satanism.
Josiah is the kind of guy who announces that he's straight without anybody fucking asking.
"Bro, I'm not gay."
Congratulations, Josiah. I asked if you wanted extra cheese on your burger.
He's also suspiciously knowledgeable about male physiques.
"Dude, that guy is fucking JACKED. Look at his deltoids. Absolutely beautiful muscle definition. Not that I'm gay or anything."
Nobody said you were, Josiah. We're watching a fucking insurance commercial.
And there's always some elaborate explanation for why he's been looking at a particular man's Instagram account for the past forty minutes.
"I'm just checking his workout routine."
Sure, Josiah.
And I'm browsing Pornhub for the cinematography.
You ever notice how Josiah has incredibly strong opinions about gay people despite claiming to spend absolutely no time thinking about them?
He'll deliver a twenty-minute unsolicited lecture about homosexuality, then casually mention that he knows exactly which male celebrities have appeared naked on television.
HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT, JOSIAH?
WHY DO YOU HAVE A FUCKING SPREADSHEET?
The most suspicious part is the name itself.
Josiah sounds like something you'd whisper into another man's ear while slow dancing at a secret Victorian gentlemen's club.
"Hold me closer, Josiah."
Fucking hell. It practically writes itself.
And God forbid you shorten his name to Joe.
"No, bro. It's *Josiah*."
Oh, excuse me, Your Fabulousness. Didn't realize your name required three syllables and a fucking velvet curtain.
For the record, there's nothing wrong with being gay.
But there's something deeply hilarious about a grown man treating heterosexuality like a government security clearance that he has to renew every six months.
Anyway, I'm calling for a formal investigation.
**Are there any genuinely heterosexual Josiahs out there, or is the entire name just one enormous Baptist church cover-up?**
I'm not saying every Josiah has a Grindr account.
I'm just saying somebody should check whether he's listed as "Joe" on there.
Every guy named Josiah is either gay, questioning, or putting on the most elaborate heterosexual performance since John Travolta discovered Scientology.
Think about it.
First of all, what the FUCK kind of name is Josiah?
Nobody looks at a newborn baby and says, "You know what? This little bastard looks like a Josiah," unless they're planning on raising him in a household where dancing is forbidden and masturbation is considered a gateway drug to Satanism.
Josiah is the kind of guy who announces that he's straight without anybody fucking asking.
"Bro, I'm not gay."
Congratulations, Josiah. I asked if you wanted extra cheese on your burger.
He's also suspiciously knowledgeable about male physiques.
"Dude, that guy is fucking JACKED. Look at his deltoids. Absolutely beautiful muscle definition. Not that I'm gay or anything."
Nobody said you were, Josiah. We're watching a fucking insurance commercial.
And there's always some elaborate explanation for why he's been looking at a particular man's Instagram account for the past forty minutes.
"I'm just checking his workout routine."
Sure, Josiah.
And I'm browsing Pornhub for the cinematography.
You ever notice how Josiah has incredibly strong opinions about gay people despite claiming to spend absolutely no time thinking about them?
He'll deliver a twenty-minute unsolicited lecture about homosexuality, then casually mention that he knows exactly which male celebrities have appeared naked on television.
HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT, JOSIAH?
WHY DO YOU HAVE A FUCKING SPREADSHEET?
The most suspicious part is the name itself.
Josiah sounds like something you'd whisper into another man's ear while slow dancing at a secret Victorian gentlemen's club.
"Hold me closer, Josiah."
Fucking hell. It practically writes itself.
And God forbid you shorten his name to Joe.
"No, bro. It's *Josiah*."
Oh, excuse me, Your Fabulousness. Didn't realize your name required three syllables and a fucking velvet curtain.
For the record, there's nothing wrong with being gay.
But there's something deeply hilarious about a grown man treating heterosexuality like a government security clearance that he has to renew every six months.
Anyway, I'm calling for a formal investigation.
**Are there any genuinely heterosexual Josiahs out there, or is the entire name just one enormous Baptist church cover-up?**
I'm not saying every Josiah has a Grindr account.
I'm just saying somebody should check whether he's listed as "Joe" on there.